Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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