Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
