you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
