He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
