My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
