I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
