im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
