if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
