Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
