if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize