Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
