How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
