How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
