Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
