everyone is single if you try hard enough
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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