im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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