her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
