saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
not ubering you a puppy
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