East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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