apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
