I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
