There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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