he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
