What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Drunk is not a location!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
