i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
