hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
