You don't have asthma, your pregnant
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
