She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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