Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
