No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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