I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
