Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
MIDGETS
????
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
