I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
