I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
