The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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