you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Randomize
