I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
