if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
