I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
