gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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