how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
