your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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