I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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