i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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