I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
