So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
