I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
