My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
