I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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