It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
