he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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